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Old 08-16-2008, 08:35 AM   #121
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chard View Post
I'm 2nd from the right if anyone is wondering.....
Yeah you have a definite Scottish look to you
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Old 08-19-2008, 08:41 AM   #122
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Re: Too Funny!


Real flight announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Hope some of you haven't heard these...........



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Old 08-28-2008, 12:53 AM   #123
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by furryforest View Post
Yeah you have a definite Scottish look to you
You can't tell, but I'm wearing a Kilt.
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:06 AM   #124
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Re: Too Funny!



A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

======================================



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Old 09-04-2008, 08:27 AM   #125
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Re: Too Funny!

funny dog commercial:
YouTube - FUNNY! dog TRYING to commit suicide...
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:09 AM   #126
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Re: Too Funny!

A little one for the grown ups...... Hope you're feeling better Doc....



One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.


The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'


The husband, rejected, turns over.


A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.


'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'



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Old 09-12-2008, 10:56 AM   #127
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Re: Too Funny!

Some different things from Autralia in the past 6 months...
Subject: Fw: Idiots 2008
Number One Idiot of 2008.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre..
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the
ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right away.......


Number Two Idiot of 2008.
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.. It turned out that the
chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated
when the raft was inflated..
They are no longer employed at Boeing.......

Number 3 Idiot of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Queensland, walked into the
Branch and wrote this. 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing
in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and crossed the street
to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
note to the teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a NASB deposit slip or go back
to Bank of Queensland ..
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left..
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland ..
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway..

Number Four Idiot of 2008.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $140 and a photo of his car.. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140..
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his
$140..
Number Five Idiot of 2008.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer..
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf..
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him..
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk..
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag.. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot..
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later..

Idiot Number Six of 2008.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers..
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him..

Idiot Number Seven of 2008.
Perth WA .. Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided
that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run.. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at
the window..
The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor
store window was made of Flexi-Glass..
The whole event was caught on videotape..

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Cattle Crossing sign on our road..
The reason: 'Too many Cattle are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'
.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
He was a Chef ?? Yep...From Surfers Paradise Qld !!!

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge??
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know??'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne Vic..

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for..
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red..
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving??!'
She was a probation officer in Adelaide SA..

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a send-off luncheon for an old and dear co-worker..
She was leaving the company due to' down sizing.'
Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken.. We all just looked at each other with
amazement..

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it..
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door..
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo NSW..
Who Know's what the next 6 months will bring...............


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Old 09-13-2008, 09:04 AM   #128
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Re: Too Funny!

Just for you Chard after beating the Aussies.........again !

The Tunnel
Sitting together on a train travelling through the
Swiss Alps , were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke,
a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde
Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds
later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has
a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the
dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in
the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me
instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the Kiwi again.
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Old 12-08-2008, 03:35 AM   #129
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Re: Too Funny!

Oh so TRUE........

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an
ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit 20 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.








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Old 12-15-2008, 08:36 PM   #130
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Re: Too Funny!

One for the 'grown ups'
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Old 12-15-2008, 10:32 PM   #131
 
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by coilsw6 View Post
Just for you Chard after beating the Aussies.........again !

The Tunnel
Sitting together on a train travelling through the
Swiss Alps , were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke,
a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde
Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds
later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has
a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the
dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in
the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me
instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the Kiwi again.
I've heard that before except with English, Irish, Scots, and Welsh.
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Old 12-15-2008, 10:51 PM   #132
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by coilsw6 View Post
Just for you Chard after beating the Aussies.........again !

The Tunnel
Sitting together on a train travelling through the
Swiss Alps , were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke,
a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde
Swiss girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds
later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has
a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the
dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in
the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me
instead.
The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack
the Kiwi again.
Colin, Colin, Colin don't stop the joke half way through.

'The next tunnel came along, it was quite a long one,
When the train emerged out of the tunnel the Australian has blood streaming out of his nose, the blonde is looking very flushed, breathing deeply and grinning from ear to ear, the Kiwi is just doing up his belt and the old lady is putting away her knuckle dusters'


No seriously you want to hear a joke, today for the first time since the Skyhawks left our skies we had some Military Formation Flying (Excluding Iroquois) as in the Same type, Altitude similar, generally heading in the same directions etc.... It was our 5(out of 5) Navy SH-2's flying up and down the Devonport-Takapuna peninsula, After Te Kaha(F77) Returned from 3 months training in the South China Sea.
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Last edited by Chard; 12-16-2008 at 12:41 AM.
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Old 12-26-2008, 02:19 PM   #133
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Re: Too Funny!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Old 01-19-2009, 07:17 PM   #134
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Re: Too Funny!

Baby Bear



The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "My aunt Bertha Bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:08 PM   #135
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FedEx AirMaster View Post
Baby Bear



The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "My aunt Bertha Bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Boy you're on a roll today. Wait till I see you again.





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