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Old 07-09-2008, 01:12 AM   #106
 
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Re: Too Funny!

I found this one i know it is not that funny

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Old 07-09-2008, 02:21 AM   #107
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Re: Too Funny!

One of my favorite sites on the internet is Welcome to Engrish.com!, they are often signs, found mostly in Asia that have things (like spelling or grammar mistakes) that make them rather nonsensical, but sometimes, they're hilarious, here they are:


Hmm, seems like China Eastern had found a great way to deal with the drunks on flights
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Old 07-09-2008, 06:05 AM   #108
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Re: Too Funny!

Hey, this is an aviation forum!
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Old 07-09-2008, 06:10 AM   #109
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Re: Too Funny!

This was one left over from my Oh Bugger collection...

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Old 07-09-2008, 09:33 AM   #110
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Re: Too Funny!

Here's a few things I got sent from my mum, and i'm sure there will be more to come in the following weeks.



Airline Announcements:

1 In America a United flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

2 On landing, a stewardess said, 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.....except for that gentleman over there.'

3 When going through the pre-flight emergency briefing, a stewardess said: 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

4 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers left, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?

5 As a plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

6 After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

7 Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

8 On another pre-flight briefing a flight attendant announced: 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

9 After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

10 Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.

11 Heard on a Southwest Airline flight: 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

12 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing you should see the back of mine!'


Now I can't remember if they've been posted or not, but i'll post them again anyway. I think i've got some more somewhere else, which i'll try and find.
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Old 07-09-2008, 01:20 PM   #111
 
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Re: Too Funny!

That's a ok but it is still funny.
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Old 07-25-2008, 09:49 AM   #112
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Re: Too Funny!

Today's little ditty.....,


Subject: T-t-t-t-try again...

Stuttering Therapy Class...???
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers

Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the
slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,
'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born,
Without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your
muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?'

The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham'.
'That's no use, Trevor', said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'.
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.
'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How
About you, Paddy ?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out 'London'.

'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist, ripped off her clothes and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said '-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.

Rated; 15+...







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Old 08-09-2008, 09:45 AM   #113
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Re: Too Funny!

Sorry about the language........
Only for 18+....not for minors.
From a very outspoken and frustrated 'Aussie'. NOT ME.. I'm English.



A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that they are far more direct
and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected w*nkers
who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what we were trying to
communicate.

Below is one such wonderful communication...

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows
that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997,
and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and
on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's
licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid
customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off
the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census
forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be
absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop
dead!!!...

SH*T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send the
application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What
the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless
Neanderthal a*seholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New
Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a
Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got
the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me,
I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part
with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo..
that'd be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much
prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our
f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w*nker
to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the
photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f*cking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this
country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms
with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30
years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security
clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and
Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to
verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND
RAISED IN F*CKING P* % * @ N !!!......a country where they either
assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the
Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

Tough to do anything easily.......
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:08 AM   #114
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by coilsw6 View Post
Sorry about the language........
Only for 18+....not for minors.
From a very outspoken and frustrated 'Aussie'. NOT ME.. I'm English.



A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that they are far more direct
and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected w*nkers
who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what we were trying to
communicate.

Below is one such wonderful communication...

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows
that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997,
and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and
on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's
licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid
customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off
the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census
forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be
absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop
dead!!!...

SH*T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send the
application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What
the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless
Neanderthal a*seholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New
Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a
Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got
the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me,
I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part
with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo..
that'd be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much
prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our
f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w*nker
to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the
photo..the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f*cking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this
country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms
with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30
years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security
clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and
Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to
verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND
RAISED IN F*CKING P* % * @ N !!!......a country where they either
assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the
Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

Tough to do anything easily.......
That really IS too funny!!
Still, 'could be worse - try getting a passport in France!
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Old 08-10-2008, 08:52 AM   #115
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Re: Too Funny!

The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

Cut price airlines........... Oh dear, where will it all end...
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Old 08-10-2008, 08:58 AM   #116
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Re: Too Funny!


Don't be on this flight

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

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Old 08-11-2008, 07:58 AM   #117
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Re: Too Funny!

Just a little giggle for tonight.....,





Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering......


Dave.......


Dave........


Dave........






.........you're a vet, Dave


Oh dear................
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Old 08-13-2008, 12:29 PM   #118
 
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Re: Too Funny!

now thats funny
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Old 08-16-2008, 08:17 AM   #119
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Re: Too Funny!

Hey there Chard,
good luck against the Bok's tonight. Don't want to see any repeats of this bro'........

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Old 08-16-2008, 08:29 AM   #120
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Re: Too Funny!

I'm 2nd from the right if anyone is wondering.....
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