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Old 07-07-2008, 11:07 PM   #91
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Re: Too Funny!

Fuzzy great joke, typical Maori thing to do. Never forget Billy T. James Christmas message.

"Don't Drink and Drive, you might spill it."

Colin, what a cracker, 5*.
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Old 07-08-2008, 05:25 AM   #92
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Re: Too Funny!

For those on a budget....



I hear they have Jerry Springer on the in-flight......
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Old 07-08-2008, 05:31 AM   #93
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Re: Too Funny!

Something to keep the confidence high......,

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Old 07-08-2008, 05:52 AM   #94
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Re: Too Funny!

Ladies and Gentlemen..'This is your Captain ...........' .



Another budget carrier.....
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Old 07-08-2008, 05:58 AM   #95
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by coilsw6 View Post
Ladies and Gentlemen..'This is your Captain ...........' .



Another budget carrier.....
Hey - that's the guy who flew me to Wewak!!!
(nice gourd!)
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Old 07-08-2008, 06:23 AM   #96
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Re: Too Funny!

I'm never blowing into a didgeridoo again!
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Old 07-08-2008, 06:37 AM   #97
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingdoc View Post
Hey - that's the guy who flew me to Wewak!!!
(nice gourd!)
Hey Doc,
I suppose you had to do his 'Complete pre flight medical' while you were there..... So very sorry hope your feeling better.
All the best,
Colin......
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Old 07-08-2008, 08:03 AM   #98
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Re: Too Funny!

Just one more.......,



These are actual court recordings from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.....


And it's goodnight from me and it's goodnight from him....

Colin

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Old 07-08-2008, 08:31 AM   #99
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Re: Too Funny!

Some great one's there Colin. This is my all time favourite lawyer jokes:-
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
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Old 07-08-2008, 12:09 PM   #100
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Re: Too Funny!



LOL
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Old 07-08-2008, 12:14 PM   #101
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Re: Too Funny!


Another one.

When my friend showed my Geography teacher this (and many others), when we were using the computers at school during a geography lesson, my teacher was laughing so much, allowed my friend to quit working and show him more until my teacher was laughing until he cried! It was so funny! He begged for no more eventually.
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Old 07-08-2008, 04:37 PM   #102
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Re: Too Funny!

On one of our trips to Chicago, Brian and I had gotten pulled over for speeding. Well, the officer pulls up and Brian tells me (in earshot of the officer) to get the gun out of the glove box. Since the officer heard it, he was getting nervous, so I asked Brian if I ought to hide the gun under the corpse in back, or put it in with the drugs, or maybe put the drugs on the corpse and plant the gun conspicuously near the body as well. Once the officer heard that, he went to radio in another cop (his Lieutenant as I recall) who came on the scene to relieve the original cop (quite tarumatized by the incident and what he had heard). So, the Lieutenant asked us to step out of the vehicle, which we did. He did a thorough search, yet came up empty-handed. He proceeds to question us about the story: "I was told you had a body, gun, and drugs in here." Our response? "You were probably also told we were speeding."
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Old 07-08-2008, 05:01 PM   #103
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Re: Too Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by a_loser View Post
On one of our trips to Chicago, Brian and I had gotten pulled over for speeding. Well, the officer pulls up and Brian tells me (in earshot of the officer) to get the gun out of the glove box. Since the officer heard it, he was getting nervous, so I asked Brian if I ought to hide the gun under the corpse in back, or put it in with the drugs, or maybe put the drugs on the corpse and plant the gun conspicuously near the body as well. Once the officer heard that, he went to radio in another cop (his Lieutenant as I recall) who came on the scene to relieve the original cop (quite tarumatized by the incident and what he had heard). So, the Lieutenant asked us to step out of the vehicle, which we did. He did a thorough search, yet came up empty-handed. He proceeds to question us about the story: "I was told you had a body, gun, and drugs in here." Our response? "You were probably also told we were speeding."
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Old 07-08-2008, 11:24 PM   #104
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Re: Too Funny!

I wasn't there, you can't prove it!



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Old 07-09-2008, 01:03 AM   #105
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Re: Too Funny!

Here's a few.
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